The rear end of winter

So, it’s finally spring here. I can tell by how everything smells like dog shit and rotting garbage. Probably from the months of accumulated dog shit and garbage that have started to thaw. Thanks, neighbours. And that’s before the geese start flocking back in droves and poop on everything that doesn’t move. The grass is going to be very green this year.

poopOf course, the summer doesn’t officially kick off here until Victoria Day, the silliest holiday because when you think of spring, the first thing that comes to mind is usually long-dead English monarchs with no sense of humour. Yes, if you haven’t figured it out by the extra u’s and my propensity to apologize for everything, I am, in fact, Canadian. Sorry.

FargoIf you asked what part of Canada I’m from, I would have to say the middle. Not the west coast with the flowers and trees and warm weather, or your big cities out east with the tall buildings and culture, not even the Maritimes with their fish and, uh…more fish. No, if you’ve ever seen the movie Fargo, that has been the view out my window since mid-November. Don’t all move here at once.

NYC Statue of liberty

I kid but there is actually a good deal of culture here. There has to be when you can’t go outside for half of the year. But like most people I never see the stuff that goes on in my own city. It’s like New Yorkers that never go to see the Statue of Liberty because, “Hey, you know, it’s right there. I can go see it anytime.” (If you just read that to yourself in a bad New York accent, score five points for Gryffindor.)

maplebubblyNow it’s hard for most other countries to understand why we still celebrate the reign of inbred anachronisms in the twenty-first century. Except for the Aussies, because we both are the bastard step-children of British colonialism, have vast swaths of undeveloped land, and know you can barbecue anything if you put your mind to it. The answer may lie in the fact that it is one of the few things that separates us from Americans (along with health care and rational gun laws) or it may be the fact that you can make liquor from maple syrup.

Anyway it won’t be long until a nice big rain comes and washes away all the accumulated debris of the past winter and paves the way for the summer plague of mosquitoes. I think it’s time to move to another one of Canada’s largest cities – Los Angeles. Then all I’ll have to worry about is traffic and mass shootings.

Also, I just used dog shit as inspiration for writing a blog post. You officially have no excuses for writer’s block anymore. Sorry.

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Crazed recluse and sociophobe who has taken up writing after failing at everything else. Send pizza.

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