I Need A Job (or None Need Apply)

Sean Sandulak

verbatimgibberish.com
 

 Objective

I am currently looking for a position where I don’t have to do a lot but still get paid tons of money for it. Tons of money! Like board of directors. Or SEO consultant. But I don’t want to wear a suit. Or pants.

Experience

Slave for “The Man”, June 2004 – September 2012

Used and abused for eight hours a day in an underpaid, under-appreciated environment. Moved heavy things about so people with real money could by them and feel good about themselves for five minutes.

Cog in the Machine, February 2000 – June 2004

Performed utterly meaningless chores with no redeeming value for no apparent reason other than to collect a meagre paycheque. Tossed about by the whims of people whose only claim to fame is not failing out of community college business classes.

It’s all a little fuzzy before that, Birth – February 2000

Drinking, carousing, skirt-chasing, and video-gaming. There may have been pizza. Dude, I totally want pizza now.

Education

I think I remember school, but I’m repressing a lot of those memories. Honestly, I slept through most of it. And so did you, admit it. Why? Is it important?

Skills

I got some mad skillz, yo. (Sorry.) Avoiding bosses, sleeping in late, complaining, feigning injuries, feeling bitter, making excuses, whining, blogging, staring at the clock, chatting, Solitaire, social media, resume writing.

Also, references available upon request.

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Crazed recluse and sociophobe who has taken up writing after failing at everything else. Send pizza.

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10 comments on “I Need A Job (or None Need Apply)
  1. vyvacious says:

    Is it just me or did your background change…? Maybe I just started paying attention…?

    At first I read “Experience: Man Slave”. Interesting.

    Like

  2. workspousestory says:

    Good luck 😉 I wonder who the references are from!

    Like

  3. mixedupmeme says:

    Looking over the skills:
    Yes, blogging is certainly one of them. 🙂
    I always enjoy reading your stuff!

    Like

  4. pinkagendist says:

    Now add plagiarist- because the two last sections were lifted off of my resumé.

    Like

  5. This needs to be put on the proper resumé paper. Let me check the bathroom and see if any’s left on the tube….

    Like

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