Let Me Be The First To Say Humbug (or Nine Ways To Cook Reindeer)

A Christmas tree inside a home.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am hiding from Christmas. So far I’ve managed not to hear any Christmas music this year, but mostly because I haven’t left the house. I used to work in retail, so I’ve gotten a lifetime dose of holiday crooning. It got to the point where I had to unplug the P.A. speaker in the back room where I worked, just so I wouldn’t commit Santacide. I had to quit; I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Let’s face it. Christmas is about one thing. Presents. What other holiday do you start planning for months in advance? (Unless you are some sort of Stepford anal craft nazi.) For the common folk like you and me, beyond some vague notion of spending time with the family (or avoiding them), we consider what we are doing on a holiday maybe a week or two before. Unless you have to fly, then you might buy go so far as to buy a plane ticket, because airline pricing schemes are based on the relative position of Venus in the sky. (Okay, maybe not, but can you explain them?) Ditto on hotels.

You don’t plan your outfit for Labour Day (other than not wearing white). You don’t send out cards for the Fourth of July. (Canada Day, Bastille Day, or whatever. Insert your local we beat the other guy memorial holiday here.) And you certainly don’t buy presents for your second cousin, twice removed just in case he buys you something for Halloween and you look like an ass if you don’t get him something.

People say I’m just being cynical, but I’m just speaking the truth that they don’t want to hear. If you want to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus, fine go ahead. Go sit in your tax shelters churches and bore each other with stories of the first century reformist rabbi who probably never existed. Then go home and have cake with little crucifix candles on it. You don’t need a new television for that. The decorations, the food, everything about the holiday season is designed to get your butt in line at MalWart and spend more money than you can afford, just so mega-corporations can meet their fiscal end-year projections, and the company executives can cash their bonus checks.

So if you need me for any reason, I will be holed up in the zombie-proof compound until the panic dies down. Of course, I’ll have to stay here until until January, because the only thing worse than the pre-Christmas sales are the post-Christmas sales.

Also, I didn’t get you anything.

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Crazed recluse and sociophobe who has taken up writing after failing at everything else. Send pizza.

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Posted in Blog, I'm Just Saying, Things I know less about than I think, Whine Tasting
10 comments on “Let Me Be The First To Say Humbug (or Nine Ways To Cook Reindeer)
  1. I don’t do Christmas either (or any other holiday for that matter). Not only does it save me money and time and sanity, but as a single person (atheist) with no kids, there’s really no point to it. I will, however participate in the Boxing Week sales to get stuff I may need for myself 😉
    Off topic comment. I noticed you have Word Ads on your blog. I applied a couple of months ago. How long did it take after you applied for you to get them on your site?

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    • If you need it and you don’t mind the crowds, then by all means shop. It’s when people buy stuff they don’t need just because it’s cheap that bothers me. Panic buying is getting people killed.

      I actually got approved for WordAds the same day. But don’t worry, I think that was a total fluke. I also applied for my other blog a month ago and still haven’t heard back. They’ve been having some issues lately, and I don’t think taking new applications was high on their to do list. They say it may take weeks to go through the applications.

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      • I agree. There’s no need to whip yourself into a spending frenzy for cheap prices if you don’t actually need what you’re buying. Thanks for the info on Word Ads. Guess I will try to be more patient.

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  2. Ana Lavinia says:

    I don’t do Christmas either. I buy people presents for their birthdays and that’s it. I have other things to do with money, like buying stuff for myself:)))

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  3. reluctantwritergirl says:

    lol great post! jesus was actually born in the summer – so trust me he wouldn’t be celebrating christmas either!! not his style. the chaos of this holiday has always given me hives. i feel ya about the music too – i worked retail for one holiday season and almost clinically lost it. no harm in bunkering down until it passes. i just read an article that said 40% of Americans would like to do that with you. 😉

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  4. I used to work on an indoor market and at the start of November they would play Christmas jingles and put up decorations. They only had one album that would be on repeat constantly until the start of January. In other words I too share your pain. Christmas is never fair, why should non Christian people be force to celebrate a Christian holiday? Don’t get me wrong I do like to thank my friends and family for their support for the year by giving them a gift but it feels rather forced, and if you don’t get ‘the right present’ then your a cheap skate. As for those ‘Stepford anal craft nazi’ people I can only assume that Christmas is something that will make them feel that their empty shelled lives have meaning.

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    • Modern Internet music services are marginally better. You don’t hear the same songs over and over all day long. The one tape loop is the worst. It should be outlawed.
      As to gifts, I think if you don’t know someone well enough to get them a decent gift, you probably shouldn’t be getting them one. Or at least have to get them one. Gifts should be limited to first degree relatives and best friends, not some idiot you have to work with or some crazy drunk uncle you only see once a year.

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  5. This will be my 15th holiday season working in retail. I am just about numb to the music by now. What ticks me off is when I catch myself singing to it, because….. it…. just…. invades your effing mind!!! Did you know there are about 47328933 different versions of Silver Bells, and I’ve heard them all?

    I wish I could get out of Christmas, but I have too many family members (starting with my mother) who firmly believe in the tradition of spending a lot of money you don’t have to get stuff for people that they don’t want. I can only not reciprocate so much before the evil stares and lectures get to be overwhelming….

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  6. I’m sad to read you didn’t get me anything….I got you the same thing I got you last year. 😀

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