The Unofficial Future History of Digital Media (or The Internet Will Kill Us All)

So I was sitting around one day when I thought, “Hey, me.”

“What now?” I answered. I always annoy myself but today I was being extra bothersome.

“Why don’t we try this Twitter thing all the kids are talking about.”

“I don’t know,” I thought. “It sounds like a lot of work.”

“You always say that. You don’t have to do anything. You just sign up and read what other people are saying.”

“But I don’t care what other people are saying. That’s why I have cable. If I wanted to talk to people, I’d go outside.”

“But don’t you want the inside scoop on what’s happening in the world?”

I liked the sound of that. “Well, I do like feeling superior to everyone else…”

“It’s free.”

“You know me so well.”

So I sit there and I follow the people you’re supposed to follow. I fight off the vicious porn-bots. Then I have a sudden realization. “Most of these tweets are just the random nonsense that pours out of everyone’s head. I have random thoughts and feelings too. I should put these on Twitter.”

And then one day you have a thought that is more than one hundred forty characters long and you ask yourself, “Self?”

“What is it now?”

“I was thinking…”

“Yeah, I can tell by the loud, grinding noises. Do you mind? Some of us are trying to sleep.”

Ignoring myself, I continued, “I have an idea, but it’s too big for Twitter. What should I do?”

“Why don’t you just split it up into several tweets?”

“No, that’s just tacky. I know! I’ll start a blog.”

“Fine. Start a blog. Condemn us all to oblivion.”

“Wha…?”

“When the government finally collapses, the first people up against the wall will be the intellectuals. Of course since we no longer have anyone who thinks for themselves, they will just assume that bloggers are the new intelligentsia.”

“Whoa. If that’s true, maybe you shouldn’t use big words like intelligentsia.”

“I didn’t think of that.”

MESSAGE FROM YOUR GOVERNMENT. EVERYTHING IS FINE. THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE. MOVE ALONG. MOVE ALONG. KEEP BUYING STUFF. THANK YOU AND HAVE A NICE DAY. END OF MESSAGE.

“That was strange.”

“Yeah, that’s been happening a lot since we went to that new dentist. Anyway, first everyone writes a blog, then they have to publish it in a book. So they have to cut down all the trees and it’s Easter Island all over again.”

I had to think about that for a minute. “So the real cause of global warming is…bloggers?”

“Now you’re getting it.”

“Hmm. I’m still not convinced. What about a podcast. That’s still a thing isn’t it?”

“Podcasts are what bring about the collapse of civilization!”

“But Neil deGrasse Tyson is so damn charming. How can that be true?”

“First, you find a couple if podcasts you like. Then they recommend a few of their favorites. Then suddenly you find yourself addicted. You find more and more podcasts and vlogs that you have to get. Eventually you have more podcasts than you can listen to so you have to keep buying bigger and bigger iPods to keep them in. Finally you get to the point where everyone is either listening to a podcast, making a podcast, or working in the Apple mines. People starve and nations collapse. An iTunes based economy – it’s the end of the world.”

“Will there be zombies?”

“If you mean people wandering around looking for free wifi, then yes, there will be zombies.”

“Cool. So what do we do?”

“There’s nothing we can do. It’s already too late. Just sit back and enjoy the ride.”

“Wanna see what’s on YouTube?”

“Yeah, I kinda do.”

Follow @SeanSandulak

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Crazed recluse and sociophobe who has taken up writing after failing at everything else. Send pizza.

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Posted in Best Of Verbatim Gibberish, Blog, Talking to myself does not make me crazy.
2 comments on “The Unofficial Future History of Digital Media (or The Internet Will Kill Us All)
  1. jajajajajajajajaj!!!! I love it! ” or working in the Apple mines.” where they get that little apples 😛

    Like

  2. heh heh, I like your sense of humor. Definitely going to be following you. :3

    Like

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