Shut Up Already (or Things That Seem Important To You, But Really Aren’t)

Okay, I’m really busy (wasting time), but I promised myself I would post at least three times a week. So at the risk of being snarky, I’ll leave you with this list, because nobody reads blog posts on Friday/Saturday any way.

The Top Ten Things You Should Probably Shut Up About

10. Your kids

First day and already bored.

Nobody really cares about your kids. You wouldn’t even care if it wasn’t for the flood of hormones telling you that you should. Why should I suffer just because the condom broke? And don’t show me pictures. Your baby is ugly and looks like a shriveled potato. There I said it. The only reason you should have pictures of kids in your wallet is in case you are stranded on a desert island and you need inspiration to go on living, or because studies have shown that people are more likely to return a wallet with pictures of kids in it.

9. Your pets

I am so going to bite you.

Pets are just kids for people who can’t handle responsibility. (I think the correct order is rocks, hard-boiled eggs, plants, goldfish, cats, dogs, kids, nuclear launch codes. It all depends on how much shit you have to clean up after.) People mainly have pets for the same reason they watch NASCAR. Eventually they’ll do something stupid and crash into a wall. I want to hear about how much you like to cuddle Mr. Whiskers about as much as you want to hear about my teddy bear. What you do in the privacy of you own home is your business. [Note to self: should not have mentioned teddy bear.]

8. Your job

So…I’m going to need you to work this Saturday.

If you hate you job so much, why do you think boring me with all the details is going to help? Just because you gave up on your dream of being a cowboy fireman in space, it doesn’t give you a license to kill my happiness. Of course, the only thing worse than when you complain about work is when you complain about not having any. Like it’s my fault you got sacked / you got laid off / you quit / the building burned down. (Okay that last one maybe, but you have no proof!)

7. Your hobby

Get a room.

Unless you are building a flying car in your garage, I don’t want to hear about it. No one cares about your particular brand of OCD except you and the other lunatics who share your obsession. And even they are only selfishly interested because its all about what they like. That, or they are jealous and plotting to kill you in you sleep to steal your stuff. By the way, collecting things is not a hobby. It is either an investment or evidence of hoarding. Either way I’m not interested. Call you accountant or doctor, as seems appropriate. Leave me out of it.

6. Your health

Which pill cures your need to talk about your skin rash?

If by chance I should ask you how you are, lie. I really didn’t care, but sometimes people take that particular idiom too literally. I have my own problems that are not made better by listening to yours. Especially if it involves something going into or coming out of your body. Yeesh.

5. Your diet

You know you want it.

The only thing more boring than what comes out of your cake hole is what goes into it. I’m on a no bullshit diet, so stop talking to me.

4. Your choice of entertainment

Wait…what…really?

Stop recommending songs to me. Your taste in music sounds like cats fighting at a beginner’s violin recital. And if I wanted to know what happened on Vampire Diaries last night I would have watched it, okay. Either that or you’re spoiling the ending, so stop it. Speaking of which, not everyone sees the movie on opening weekend, despite what the industry would have you believe. Stop talking about the lives you see on screen and go live your own.

3. Your sex life

When you tell people you had sex for an hour, you’re not supposed to include the fifty-nine minutes of apologizing. ‘Nuff said.

2. Your Top Ten Lists

These are just a sign of lazy writing. It’s always the top ten celebrity nip slips or top ten things you cat’s poop look like. It’s never the top ten most most influential philosophers of the common era. And yes, I am aware of the hypocrisy, thank you.

1. Your blog

Yada, yada, yada…

Not your blog. That other guy’s piece of crap. Yours is full of wonderful pictures / advice / stories / jokes that I enjoy on a daily basis. By the way did I mention my other blog?

Also, in other unimportant news, it’s October so I need nominations for the Usual Suspects / Wall of Fame / Yet to be named Award. If you think of a blogger who is worthy of praise, leave a name or link in the comments. Don’t be a narcissist and nominate yourself or I will laugh at you in the bad way. And I’ve never even seen Vampire Diaries, and don’t plan to, ever. I’m just going to shut up now.

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Crazed recluse and sociophobe who has taken up writing after failing at everything else. Send pizza.

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