There’s a Spammer Born Every Minute (or You’re Not Fooling Me)

I was feeling lazy today, so I’m going to let spammers write my post for me. Here’s some of the nice things numbered gmail accounts are saying about me [presented verbatim, with my comments in red].

Verbatim Gibberish Sean Sandulak Spam

  • This is a comment to the webmaster. [She’s not available. Will the Dungeon Master do?] Your website is missing out on at least 300 visitors per day. [Do tell.] I came to this page via Google but it was hard to find as you were not on the front page of search results. [Stop looking for porn. See if that helps.] I have found a website which offers to dramatically increase your traffic to your website: [Redacted]. I managed to get over 10,000 visitors per month using their services, you could also get lot more targeted traffic than you have now. Hope this helps 🙂 Take care. [Oh I took care of it all right. *delete*]
  • there are lots of bad posts around internet, so it’s very good that i found your website which is so good. [HOW GOOD IS IT? Sorry, I thought that was a set up for a joke.]
  • I didnt expect this, but I like this, found it enlightening! Keep up the excellent work! [Yes, grasshopper. Blogging is the quickest path to wisdom. By the way, what were you expecting?]
  • What I have seen in terms of laptop memory is that there are specific features such as SDRAM, DDR and the like, that must fit the specifications of the mother board. If the personal computer’s motherboard is reasonably current and there are no main system issues, changing the memory space literally requires under 1 hour. It’s one of the easiest laptop or computer upgrade methods one can envision. Thanks for giving your ideas. [Uh huh, uh huh, yeah, okay. Now, what does any of that have to do about a short story about a talking dog. And changing memory in a laptop takes about two minutes…literally.]
  • Personal Email to 1,500,000 Potential-Customers For Just $12.95! To Be Exact, They Are More Than Likely To Be Customers For Your Service Or Product. We Have Obtained Permission Based Optin Email Addresses. Consisting Of People Who Do There Shopping On The Internet. Purchase Today For A Double Increase To 3,000,000. Including A Global-Marketing Membership And Silver Submitter Software! [Spammers spamming spamming tools is so meta. It’s like they don’t think there’s anything wrong with what they’re doing. Psychopaths.]
  • is excellent, good work! Regards [Redacted link to boxing/gambling website. Obviously did not get message about fight club.]
  • Finance freedom : [Redacted 2 links] texas auto insurance rome amortization loan calculator email cash project scam [You said it, not me.] laporan keuangan bank bri bandung cdl b jobs in nj [Redacted 2 more naughty, naughty links] naked teen gallery lara croft forced to suck [Redacted bad link] video xxx sexy kids tubes [I’ve never seen a case of Tourette’s in print before.] horse sex sample download very girl hard defloration star fm morgantown 100.9 upskirt of jenine peirro [Wow, that’s random.] ?????°?‡?°?‚?? bdsm ???????µ?? pictures of obama and family at inauguration [WTF?!] teen sexy movies grabbing t**s the williston northampton school asian speed dating sh**a boys [Do not Google that…ever. 2 more redacted links. I don’t even want to know where those links go. I need a shower. Or ten.]
  • loads very slow, you should optimize it [Dude, it’s a blog. If it’s slow, maybe you should upgrade from Internet Explorer 6. Redacted 3 YouTube links]
  • Have you ever considered about adding a little bit more than just your articles? I mean, what you say is fundamental and all. Nevertheless think about if you added some great photos or videos to give your posts more, “pop”! Your content is excellent but with images and clips, this website could undeniably be one of the very best in its niche. Wonderful blog! [There were nine photos on that post, if you had actually read it. “POP”.]
  • I wish to voice my respect for your kind-heartedness supporting persons who really need assistance with that question. Your personal commitment to passing the solution all around turned out to be really practical and have continually encouraged somebody much like me to reach their pursuits. Your amazing valuable useful information denotes a whole lot a person like me and further more to my fellow workers. Warm regards; from each one of us. [I will say this exactly one time. This blog is (mostly) satire. If you are actually following any of my advice, you deserve what you get.]
  • Whats Taking place i’m new to this, I stumbled upon this I have found It absolutely helpful and it has helped me out loads. I’m hoping to give a contribution & aid different customers like its helped me. Good job. [One: that was my “about” page you commented on, and two: I don’t want to buy your cheap knock-off handbags. Redacted link]
  • It is truly a nice and helpful piece of information. I am glad that you shared this helpful info with us. Please keep us informed like this. Thanks for sharing. [From my post titled “Shut Up Already”. That says it all. Right there. Oh, and you’re welcome.]
  • Every once in a while we choose blogs that we read. Listed below are the latest sites that we choose… [That was it. There were no blogs listed. At least this one was honest.]
  • my hair is falling out There are plenty of foods that can help. A number of people. How these treatments either use one or two sessions — generally priced between $2,000 and $6,000 each — will provide you with effective results. [That is some expensive food. For that kind of scratch, you could get a hair transplant WHICH IS AN ACTUAL CURE THAT WORKS! Fuck.]
  • [redacted blog link] Amenities include two outdoor swimming pools, fireside wine tastings so visitors can sample the award winning varieties of wine tasting. [Sip and spit, twisty straw, and head under spigot] Amenities include an outdoor swimming pools, fireside wine tastings direct from the nearest city Charlotte. [The sommelier has very long arms.] The nearby town of Floyd is host to lots of available parking. There is lots of available parking. [But is there parking?]
  • Hello, I enjoy reading through your article post. [One or the other, but not both.] I wanted to write a little comment to support you. [So why didn’t you?]
  • A formidable share, I just supplied this onto a colleague who was undertaking a bit investigation on this. [He was investigating whether some people are dicks? Because that’s what the post was about. Did he start by interviewing you?] And he for that matter acquired [?] me breakfast simply because I discovered it for him.. smile. [Use an emoticon or don’t, but typing it out is kinda creepy.] So let me reword that: Thnx [Try again?] for that take care of! But yeah Thnkx [Okay, at this point actually typing “Thanks” was just one more letter. It’s not Twitter, dude. Make the effort.] for paying time to debate this, I sense strongly about this and absolutely adore browsing a lot more on this subject. If at all possible, as you become abilities, would you mind updating your weblog with a great deal more information? [I can update it to 1998, which is the last time anyone said weblog.] It’s remarkably practical for me. Huge thumb up for this blogging site submit! [One can only guess where that thumb has been.]
  • Hello Web Admin, I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors, for one…[blah, blah, blah. This comment is longer than the post and I’ve seen it dozens of times.]…wait there’s even more Now what if i told you there was a simple WordPress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you? [Automatically?] That’s right AUTOMATICALLY, just watch this 4minute video for more information at. [Redacted video link. Hey, if you’re so good at SEO, then how come I’ve never heard of you? Point, set, match.]
  • Mr. Smith taught English at a school.It’s a long story.He was efficient in his work.I’m glad to see you againTake me to the airport��please.I bought it the day it was released.I bought it the day it was released.It’s a fine day.He is acting an old man.Please ask her to call me back when she’s back. [Speed kills, man. Lay off the ice. Burberry link redacted]
  • Thank you for an additional terrific write-up. Exactly where else could anyone get that kind of details in this kind of a ideal way of writing? Ive a presentation subsequent week, and Im to the appear for this kind of information and facts. [Compliments writing. Makes at least seven grammatical mistakes. Grain of salt taken.]
  • Cool post dude – check out [Redacted] windshield replacement [I’ll do that the next time I have a broken windshield three thousand miles from where I live.]
  • I received an invitation, but I did not accept it.The child sobbed sadly.It doesn’t make sense.Great efforts ensure the success of our work.I’m on a diet.It took years of hard work to speak good EnglishIt took years of hard work to speak good EnglishWalt invented the steam engine.Why did you stay at home? He appears to be your friend but I doubt if he is. Burberry Sale [Link redacted. OMG, so many jokes. My current fav: The next Ke$ha single.]
  • [3 links redacted] buy levitra online [Because when I buy drugs that affect my penis, I want them from an unlicensed and possibly illegal pharmacy.]
  • niet verzekerd zorgtoeslag laat geen zorgtoeslag goedkope bestelautoverzekering verplicht zorgverzekering [Link redacted] en [I thought someone’s cat was walking on the keyboard, but it turns out someone is trying to sell me health insurance in Dutch. I’ll stick with the cat. He’s got a lower premium.]
  • I got this web page from my pal who informed me on the topic of this site and at the moment this time I am visiting this web page and reading very informative articles or reviews at this time. [This sounds like missing dialogue from Speed Racer.]
  • pay day loans no brokers They are always grateful and for the same. If it’s a secured one, you need for this plan? Any trustworthy payday loan within twenty-four or forty-eight hours. Then, what are the short amount of cash 100 to 1500. [Words mean things. This looks like it was from by a bad random word generator.]
  • I enjoy you because of all your valuable hard work on this website. My niece take interest in getting into research and it’s really simple to grasp why. My partner and i know all relating to the compelling mode you make efficient tactics through your web site and increase contribution from other ones on this area of interest and our princess is always becoming educated so much. [Education is good; much education is better; edumacation is best.] Take advantage of the remaining portion of the year. [Well, I was just going to piss it away. Thanks.] You’re the one performing a terrific job. [No, you da man.]
  • of course like your web-site but you need to test the spelling on several of your posts. Many of them are rife with spelling problems and I find it very bothersome to inform the truth on the other hand I’ll surely come again again. [The other part of writing technique is called grammar.]
  • Lots of helpful information. I have bookmarked your site. [And I have reported yours for spam.]
  • Do you think people are a company’s greatest wealth? He owned himself defeated.Make yourself at home.He has tasted the sweets and bitters of life.I like ice-cream.None of us is afraid of difficulties.None of us is afraid of difficulties.It’s Sunday today.He was not a bit tired.They stopped talking when their boss came in. [Peanut butter is delicious. Cats have fur. Random sentences are random.]
  • i am delighted with your impressive words. please keep posting these awesome articles. [I am somewhat less impressed. 6 links to the same site redacted]
  • Thank you for that great article. [Yes, it had all the articles: “a”, “an”, and “the”. Because it was a short story. Sorry, word nerd joke.]
  • backdoor lesbians girls hockey nationals voyeur toilet c*m beer girl costume [Have you been reading my diary? Because you just described my ideal Saturday night.]
  • I’m getting a new computer for birthday present [Lucky you. And I should care why?] Truth is the daughter of time. [Step-daughter actually. Unfortunate encounter with the FedEx guy. We don’t talk about it.] What a pity! [Yes, a mind is a terrible thing to waste.] He is tough£¬but I am even tougher. [Are you talking to me?] Don’t trust to chance! [Put down the d20 and walk away.] We need to cooperate perfectly to win the game. [There is no “i” in “team”. There are two in “idiot”.] We need to cooperate perfectly to win the game. [I heard you the first time.] I caught the last bus.I really enjoyed myself. [On the bus…eww. It’s people like you who ruin public transportation.] How would you go to Beijing, by air or by train? [Considering the large ocean in the middle of my trip, I’m going to go with a plane. Then I remember what airport security is like, and I think I’d rather swim.]
  • Excellent ideas throughout this post, personally Im gonna have to bookmark this and come back to it. Im curious if you have any follow ups to this post? [Apparently you missed the part of the title that said “Part One of…”]
  • a superb blog site document ,We stock Argyle, Bailey, Cardy, Sheepskin, ?- . [SHEEPSKIN WHAT?!]

That was every spam comment in the bin when I checked last, and they’re all crap. C’mon spammers! You’re not even trying anymore.

Also, I don’t expect to get a lot of comments on this post.

Crazed recluse and sociophobe who has taken up writing after failing at everything else. Send pizza.

Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Blog, I'm Just Saying
One comment on “There’s a Spammer Born Every Minute (or You’re Not Fooling Me)
  1. … You’re funnier then that guy over at

    “backdoor lesbians girls hockey nationals voyeur toilet c*m beer girl costume” — I think I’ve seen this movie…


Comments are closed.

Now on sale

Unremarkable & Other Stories cover art

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Things I Will Probably Regret Later
November 2012
Time until the end of the world
The Big DayApril 13, 2036
12.9 years to go.
%d bloggers like this: