A man walks into a doctor’s office

(or I haven’t posted all week so here is some complete nonsense)

A man walks into a doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I’d like to register a complaint.”
“I’m sorry to hear that what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s this body of mine. It seems to be falling apart.”
“Why don’t you hop up on the table and we’ll have a look at you?”
“No, I’m afraid we’re well past that point. I’d like to make an exchange.”
“You’d what?”
“I’d like to make an exchange. I’d like a new body, please. And make it snappy, I’ve got a hot date tonight.”
“I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s still under warranty. And I’m the original owner. So chop, chop. Let’s get moving already. Oh, and if you could make me a few inches taller I’d really appreciate it.”
“I think you’re mistaken about what we do here…”
“I don’t see what the problem is. I’ve seen it done on tv all the time. You take one bit out and put another one in. Well I want the whole thing. Now let’s stop wasting time and get on with it shall we?”
“Is there something specific that’s troubling you?”
“Oh, I see. You have to fill out all the paperwork to make the bean counters happy. All right I’ll play along. First off there’s holes in my teeth.”
“If there’s a problem with your teeth, you should go and see a dentist.”
“I did. He sent me to you.”
“I’ll have to remember to thank him for that.”
“And then there’s the hair. It started out all right, all fluffy and on the top of my head where I like it, but now it’s all falling out.”
“Well, there’s a pill for that, or a spray you can buy at the drugstore.”
“Not only that, but now it’s sprouting out in places it never used to be, like my ears.”
“I’m a doctor, not a cosmetologist.”
“And I’ve got these aches and pains that I never used to have before. It hurts when I do this.”
“Then don’t do that.”
“It’s not like I ran marathons or any thing. Mostly just sat on the couch, watching tv. This body’s hardly used.”
“All right, I’ll play along, if it gets me out of this conversation. It sounds like a care and maintenance issue. Have you been keeping your semi-annual service checks?”
“Well, I have been kind of busy lately…”
“I thought so. You know if you don’t take care of yourself, it voids the warranty.”
“Ugh. You people will do anything to get out of taking responsibility. That does it. This body is clearly defective. I want to talk to the the designer.”
“You mean God? No one’s seen him for a while now.”
“Humph. Typical. What about the factory? I want to speak to the manufacturer.”
“Your mother?”
“I’ll not stand here and let you insult my dear mother like that. Good day to you, sir!”
“If you think he’s mad now, wait until he gets my bill.”

About Sean Sandulak

Crazed recluse and sociophobe who has taken up writing after failing at everything else. Send pizza.