Romance in the Modern Age (or Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places)

So break out the wine and the Barry White, it’s time to talk romance. No, this isn’t a discussion about smutty books, not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m talking about connecting with real people here.
There has been a lot of concern that our technology is robbing us of our humanity. This is mostly done by people with column space to fill and fast approaching deadlines. Well, I’m here to tell you it’s not true. It is the zombie virus that steals your humanity. And we will need your help to repopulate the planet.

So here is my ten point Geek’s Guide to Dating.

First, for the guys:
1. Be yourself. And by “be yourself”, I mean don’t. Be George Clooney. Be Brad Pitt without the cheesy goatee. Hell, be Justin Bieber. If the girls are not already falling all over you, it is likely due to your poor hygiene or a severe personality defect. Buy some decent shoes and a good mouthwash, slacker.
2. Be honest. You are not the man of her dreams. If you were, you would not be so desperate as to be taking advice from me.
3. Be kind. She will not be the woman of your dreams. Unless she’s Felicia Day. Rawr.
(I’m sorry. That was inappropriate.)
4. Bring presents. Smelly flowers, tasty chocolates, and shiny baubles work best.
(This should not be interpreted as you paying for sexual favours in any way.)
5. Do not talk about your mother.

As for all the ladies out there:
1. Don’t change a thing. You are perfect the way you are.
(Although the current trend towards not shaving is disturbing.)
2. Show up. I cannot stress how important that is.
3. Have a pulse.
(Optional, if he’s into vampires)
4. Don’t be closely related to your potential mate.
(May not apply in some U.S. States. I’m just saying)
5. Don’t laugh and point.
(For ANY reason. You know what I mean.)

There you have it. Some simple steps to help you hook up with that special someone. And remember, the geek shall inherit the earth, so go forth and multiply. And by multiply I mean sex, not actual math problems. Unless you’re into that. I don’t judge.

Also, it should be noted I have not actually been on a date this year decade millennium.

And also, you can subscribe with the buttons below (if you read this far, you are one smart cookie and I’m sure you can figure out how this works) or follow on Twitter or Facebook. If you like what you read, “Like” what you read. Otherwise I’m pretty sure I’m talking to myself.

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Crazed recluse and sociophobe who has taken up writing after failing at everything else. Send pizza.

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Posted in Best Of Verbatim Gibberish, Blog, Things I know less about than I think
3 comments on “Romance in the Modern Age (or Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places)
  1. Cracked me up! Do read this post on my blog regarding my awkward encounter with a scientific calculator: http://bulletinamaelstrom.wordpress.com/2012/04/10/an-awkward-first-date-with-a-scientific-calculator/

    Like

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