Emissions Standards

Posted on July 6, 2012 by Sean Sandulak

Modern Etiquette for the Socially Challenged Part Two: Emissions Standards (or What’s Behind Door Number Two? Eww. Sorry.)

There’s a time and a place for everything. The time is not after you have scarfed down that third bean burrito, and the place is not in the elevator standing next to me. Indeed, most people over the age of three have managed to gain some control over their bodily functions, so why can’t you?It’s true that our bodies are messy things. There are fluids and vapors constantly leaking out of your various holes. Whole industries have sprung up around the fact that we disgust ourselves. But that doesn’t mean we have to act and smell like livestock. So here is a quick common sense guide on what to do when you feel the pressure mounting:

Excuse yourself – When you’re in the woods, you can answer the call of the wild. Otherwise, use the facilities. That’s why they’re there. (And if there are any extra “surprises”, then at least you’re in the right place.)
Accidents happen – Sometimes it just sneaks up on you. You get one free pass. (Sorry.) At least try to pretend like you’re embarrassed.
Don’t try to hide it – silent but deadly is not the perfect crime.
Don’t blame the dog – what did he ever do to deserve that except be your best friend?
In church – Insert pew joke here. (Sorry, sorry, sorry.) May God have mercy on your soul.
Crack a window – When traveling by car, casually mention you’d like to stretch your legs. Stand downwind.
You are what you eat – By now, you know what foods make you expand like the Goodyear blimp. Avoid them if you’re going out in public.
That’s no lady; that’s my whiff – Keep the romance alive. Unless you’re into some kind of German fetish porn, your date/partner/spouse already has enough of your crap to deal with. (Not sorry.)
Put a cork in it – You don’t have to, you know. You are big boys and girls now.
The Roger Rabbit exception – You can do it if it’s really funny.
Let ‘er rip – When all else fails, at least give us fair warning so we can reach minimum safe distance.

So there are my words of advice for today. I hope that helps to clear the air. (Again, sorry) That’s it until someone does something to piss me off, like people who talk loudly on their phones in restaurants. (I hate that guy!)

Also, I made it through the whole post without saying the word “fart” once. Except that one. Dammit!