Digging in the Dirt

After she died, I found some books in my great aunt’s attic. Among them were her diaries.

May 6th, 1972
Dear Diary,
I’m so glad that spring has arrived. I can finally get out and work on my garden. It promises to be a bumper crop this year. There will be everything from artichokes to zucchini. Everything will be perfect as long as Mrs. Kemple’s cat stays away. That thing is such a pest.

May 9th, 1972
Dear Diary,
The ground is all tilled and I’m ready for planting. I saw muddy cat paw prints on the path. If that thing knows what’s good for it, it’ll stay away.

May 20th, 1972
Dear Diary,
The first sprouts are poking the heads from out of the ground. I found that stupid cat munching on some. Doesn’t it know it’s supposed to eat meat. I sprayed it with the hose. It won’t be back soon. Stupid cat.

June 10th, 1972
Dear Diary,
All my plants are wilting but I know why. It’s that cat. It’s been using my garden as its toilet. My garden! Believe me, I had a few angry words with Mrs. Kemple. If I catch that cat I’m going to wring it’s scrawny little neck. I swear!

June 12th, 1972
Dear Diary,
That lousy cat left a huge turd right in the middle of my sweet peas. It didn’t even try to cover it up. I am so angry I could just scream! I hate that stupid, mangy ball of fur. I wish it would just die!

June 13th, 1972
Dear Diary,
The cat has run away. I didn’t do anything, I swear. Mrs. Kemple doesn’t believe me. She accused me of all kinds of terrible things. I almost had to call the police. I thought she was going to hit me. But I don’t care. I’m glad the cat’s gone. If I have to suffer the evil eye from Gladys Kemple, then that’s a price I’m willing to pay.

June 20th, 1972
Dear Diary,
After a week of insults and cold stares, I caught Mrs. Kemple in my yard with a shovel digging up my garden in some futile attempt to find her missing cat. That nice Mr. Clark from across the street helped me get rid of her. She was so angry, I thought she was going to have a stroke. I must remember to bake some cookies for Mr. Clark.

June 27th, 1972
Dear Diary,
No one has seen Mrs. Kemple for a week now. I guess she has run away like her cat. Good riddance, I say. It’s nice to have some peace and quiet while I work in my garden. That reminds me. I must remember to cancel that order of fertilizer.

March 4th, 1974
Dear Diary,
So nice to have new neighbours moving in next door. That house has been sitting empty for so long. I’m glad that someone will be making a home there. They seem like nice people. One thing worries me though. They seem to have a cat.

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Crazed recluse and sociophobe who has taken up writing after failing at everything else. Send pizza.

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Posted in Best Of Verbatim Gibberish, Blog, Dear Diary
2 comments on “Digging in the Dirt
  1. Haha that is awesome!

    Like

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