(or What’s Behind Door Number One?)
Is it just me or are people getting more rude? Now I’m not talking about you garden variety pedants who correct your grammar or the guy at the back of the line who jumps to the front when they open another register. (I hate that guy!) I’m not even talking about the guy in front of me who insists on driving really slowly and keeps hitting his brakes FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL EXCEPT APPARENTLY TO PISS ME OFF WHAT DO YOU SEE UNICORNS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD YOU STUPID IGNORANT MOTHERF… (Just breathe, Sean. Just breathe.)
I have this theory that there are a finite number of IQ points in the world. As the population continues to increase, people are getting more dumber (see it’s already happening to me). Prove me wrong, people. Prove me wrong.
All right, this has inspired me to share with you a new series I’m calling:
Modern Etiquette for the Socially Challenged.
Part One: Holding Open a Door.
Despite what many people apparently believe, it is actually considered polite to hold a door for someone else. The only question is how long are you required to wait before you can walk away. Here are some guidelines:
A complete stranger – about 15 to 20 seconds.
A co-worker or casual acquaintance – about a minute.
Someone you think is hot – about a minute. (Any more is creepy.)
A neighbour or someone in your building – a minute or two. (Altruistic Reciprocity. You might need them to hold a door for you when you bring in groceries.)
A friend – let the door slam in their face. (They’ll forgive you or they’re not your friends.)
A vampire – don’t invite vampires into your home, stupid!
Your wife or girlfriend. Until your arm falls off. If you fall asleep while waiting for her, make sure to prop open the door with your unconscious body. (Sorry. Those are the rules.)
Me – just get out of my way.
Next time: How to answer a phone. (Hint: It’s not by saying yellow or any other colour.) Or maybe how to park your car. There are so many things wrong with the world.
Also, the only proper times to correct someone’s grammar are when you are their editor or they are being a total dick. (Those are not mutually exclusive conditions.) [I am cranky and I missed my nap.]
Crazed recluse and sociophobe who has taken up writing after failing at everything else. Send pizza.
Verbatim Gibberish 