Putin vs. Poutine (or The Gentrification of Fast Food and the Third World War)

So, you can tell a lot about a person by the kind of cheese they eat. If you look in the average person’s fridge, you’re going to find some mozzarella and cheddar, maybe some swiss or parmesan. Perhaps you live a little upscale and there is feta or brie tucked in there behind the organic soy milk. And if you go to some fancy dinner parties, you can find curdled milk that I’m sure is meant to be more of a dare than an hors d’oeuvre. There appears to be a direct correlation between how affluent you are and how much your dairy products stink.

You can see this demonstrated every time a fast food franchise becomes successful. At first their menu will be the basics, burgers, fries, chicken, etc. – all the disgusting fatty staples that you know you shouldn’t eat but can’t help stuffing in your face hole. Then, as they franchise out and they start raking in the dough, the owners travel the world and sample the finer things in life. It occurs to them that they should share the benefits of their experience with the unwashed masses they are helping to commit coronary suicide.

They never went back because there were no good drive thru restaurants.

That’s when you start seeing Santa Fé Condor Wraps and Rocky Mountain Goat Grills or whatever stupid name their marketing department can come up with. I honestly believe that they give their food silly names on purpose just so they can giggle to themselves when someone has to say they want the Dubble Tubby Chicken Licker combo with a side order of Wing Nuts.

Anyway the real question is if they can send a man to the moon, why can’t they make a tasty hamburger that won’t kill me? It took the Cold War to propel humans off the planet, so maybe we can revive the good old days of mutual assured destruction but apply our efforts towards onion rings.

Dictatorship has its privileges.

Great Leader Vladimir Putin has been making a show of his manly man ways by promoting fishing, tiger hunting, and horseback riding, all without the benefit of a shirt. I bet if he thought that Westerners were eating like pigs but still managing to stay buff, he would have the team of scientists who are trying to do head transplants on dogs pulled off of that project and put to work making a better burger.

Unfortunately, despite the many attempts to introduce salad to the American people, waistlines continue to expand exponentially. Add to that the fact that Obama looks as though he has aged thirty years in the last five. Honestly, if it weren’t for Michelle Obama’s upper body strength, I think the Ruskies would have already invaded.

We’ve made some progress though. Recently scientists announced that they had successfully grown meat from a tissue sample. This test tube beef has a lot of promise, but it still has a long way to go before pastures are a thing of the past. And then there’s the hefty price tag, but I’m told you save if you order the combo.

Let us never speak of this again… [Photo by Teymur Madjderey]

But with all new technologies come the inevitable moral questions: Which comes first – the synthesized chicken or the simulated egg? If we start growing our meat in factories instead of farms, will children sing about Old MacDonald’s farm or Ronald McDonald’s lab? How long until I get my Star Trek replicator? If you eat your own clone, is that still cannibalism? These are things I need to know.

Also, it’s time to think about going vegan.

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Crazed recluse and sociophobe who has taken up writing after failing at everything else. Send pizza.

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