Nothing To See Here (or Move Along, Move Along)

Nothing (Photo credit: khalid Albaih)

So, I wish I could tell you about all the exciting things that happened to me this past week, but there aren’t any stories to tell.

• No rocks fell from the sky and hit me.
• No holes opened up in the ground to swallow me up.
• I wasn’t diagnosed with a terminal disease.
• I didn’t drown in a flood.
• My clothes never caught on fire. Not once.
• I didn’t win the lottery, but I didn’t get any bills either.
• I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
• Nobody noticed that I’ve lost weight.
• I didn’t slip in the shower.
• I wasn’t accused of being a witch.
• I wasn’t hit by a car. Or a truck or a bus or a train. Or a speed boat or a marmoset.
• I didn’t eat poison, or at least not enough.
• I didn’t spend any time in prison.
• None of my toenails fell off.
• I didn’t lose my sense of smell.
• I didn’t find ants in the kitchen.
• I wasn’t implicated in a plot to kill the President.
• No volcanoes exploded in my immediate vicinity.
• I didn’t have to sleep under a bridge.
• I wasn’t hunted for sport.
• None of my organs were harvested for the black market.
  
• I wasn’t forced to listen to a Celine Dion song over and over and over.
• I wasn’t stabbed or shot. Or bludgeoned with frozen trout.
• I didn’t have an aneurism while going to the bathroom.
• There were no high-speed chases ending in a shootout with the police.
• I didn’t forget how to tie my shoes.
• I didn’t do laundry, but I probably should.
• I wasn’t attacked by zombies. Or vampires or werewolves. Or mummies or ghouls or dragons or orcs or Klingons. Or giant lampreys or sentient mushrooms.
• I didn’t catch my wife cheating with my ex-wife.
• No eyes were lost or necks broken.
• I wasn’t electrocuted.
• I didn’t cut myself shaving.
• I wasn’t abducted by aliens and probed.
• I wasn’t denied my human rights.
• I didn’t fall into the bear exhibit at the zoo.
• Nobody called me a slut just for being a woman on the Internet.

Also, boring is sometimes underrated.

bored (Photo credit: rasc0b)

About Sean Sandulak

Crazed recluse and sociophobe who has taken up writing after failing at everything else. Send pizza.