Cleanup Your Act On Aisle Three (or Holiday Spirit Is Also Known As Rum)

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It is important at this time of year to observe a few simple rules when shopping to avoid unnecessary delays and hurt feelings, so here is my seasonal shopping guide, or

Modern Etiquette for the Socially Challenged Part Four

Holiday Shopping Edition

First off, when you walk in the door, and there are half a dozen people walking in right behind you, because you move at the speed of the average dead tortoise, remember to take that moment to stop and look through your purse. Nothing makes a group of people happier this time of year as waiting to get IN to the store. Or just stand there and take in the glory that is MalWart because you haven’t seen it since last week. Or get halfway in and then turn around because you forgot to get a cart. Anything that forces me to hip check that old lady with the walker just to avoid running into you. We’re off to a great start!

Next, make sure you forget what you came there to get. Never make a list. Or better yet, don’t even have a clue why you’re there to begin with. Just wander around and look at all the pretty things. As long as you keep the “one for them, two for me” gift-buying ratio going, it doesn’t really matter what you get someone else. Stop and chat with your friends. We’ll wait while you clog up the dairy aisle so you can catch up on Real Housewives and Kate’s baby bump. It’s not like we have better things to do. *wink*

Shopping is better as a family. Remember to bring your kids and keep them up way past their bedtimes. Nothing says Christmas like the boisterous voices of sleep-deprived youngsters excited at the prospect of toys and sweets. Teenagers will be especially grateful to spend so much quality bonding time with you. And my deep-hearted congratulations to those thoughtful parents who have taught their little ones to wipe their noses and touch everything within reach. It gives shopping that extra zing that is sometimes lost in the daily grind to know that potentially any item in the store is a bacteriological land mine. Plus it gives me an excuse to put NyQuil in my eggnog!

And finally, the stores have been so considerate in never opening more than half the checkout stands at any given time, so be sure to do your part and show up when everyone else does. The more the merrier is the Christmas way. In fact, you don’t even have to finish shopping before you get in line. Just send your kids out to forage and pretend you’re the queen bee. Fun times!

Also, kill me now.

About Sean Sandulak

Crazed recluse and sociophobe who has taken up writing after failing at everything else. Send pizza.