Too Much of a Good Thing (or Internet Dreams and Social Media Nightnares)

I live in a state of dread. I’m distracted and I can’t get any work done. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night with chills. Other times, I can’t get to sleep at all. What has got me all worked up? Monsters under the bed? Full moon stirring my lycanthropic blood? Presidential debates? No, none of that.

Werebunnies?

No, I live in constant fear that someone will invent a new social media platform.

There I said it. I feel better already.

I know some of you are thinking that would be a good thing. Progress, and all that. Bigger, better, faster, shinier. You don’t even remember life without Twitter and Facebook. You keep an eye on the tech scene, trying to anticipate the next big thing, just so you can squat on your username. You fools!

Number of US social network patent applications published and patents issued per year since 2003.

I already spend an hour every day pissing around networking on social media sites. And while they can be a font of information and an excellent way to meet new people, they are also a huge time suck. And it’s only getting worse. If these trends continue, soon everyone will spend all their time trying to think up better memes. You can’t actually eat the stuff you grow on FarmVille, you know. Eventually someone’s going to have to do some real work.

Filed under “signs you may have too much time on your hands”.

There is also one big secret that almost no one will tell you, (probably because it doesn’t make them money): social media is not a good marketing tool unless you are already successful. Fame works like gravity; the bigger you are, the stronger you attract. For someone just starting out, you are screaming in the cybervoid on an equal footing with every fanatic Belieber and wannabe pundit redneck.

So if you people out there really want to invent something, make something that integrates all social media into one app, so we can send and receive content on every platform at once, without having to funnel it through some mega corporation that will sell our information for their own profit. I need an AI digital assistant that will filter out all the stuff I don’t need to see, but that leaves in all the good things. Maybe make a search engine that can tell the difference between cute baby animal videos and whatever it was this guy was doing:

Can’t unsee!

Or a pill that cures the need for sleep, because I’m going to be up all night. Again.

Also, this week I got retweeted by Bonnie Burton (@bonniegrrl), favorited by Felicia Day (@feliciaday), and made friends with Veronica Belmont (@Veronica) on goodreads, for a #VaginalFantasy social media trifecta. And you are jealous. Kiala Kazebee (@kiala) remains aloof.

(Some images courtesy of imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

About Sean Sandulak

Crazed recluse and sociophobe who has taken up writing after failing at everything else. Send pizza.