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So, just in case you hadn’t figured it out yet, the world is full of stupid people. And stupid people, being stupid, wander around helplessly asking other people to do their thinking for them. I don’t know if it’s how I dress, or perhaps it’s some pheromone I give off, but these people seem to be attracted to me like zombies to fleshy, brainy goodness.
This is in spite of the fact that I actively try to discourage any sort of human contact by:
Walking very fast,
Wearing headphones to drown out their stupid mouth noises,
Avoiding any sort of eye contact, and
Sporting my best menacing scowl.
I manage to weed out most of the stupid people with this routine, but occasionally a new breed of stupid comes along that that is immune to my discouraging techniques, and I have to pull out “the stink eye”. But even that isn’t enough to deflect the most hard core of transients, hoodlums, and fast-food employees. So, I will now answer the ten most common questions asked to me by random strangers in the hopes that I will never be assailed by stupid people again.
1. Do you work here? No, I don’t work here. Even if I did work here I wouldn’t admit it. I don’t even like to shop here. Nobody has worked anywhere since 1996. Just take whatever you want and walk out the front door. Trust me.
2. Can you help me…? Bwahaha! Are you kidding me? That’s like asking me, “Where can I put this?” There is no help for you. You are on your own.
3. Do you have the time? Granted, now that almost everyone has a mobile phone, I get asked this a lot less. Which is just as well because, this one always makes me grit my teeth. It used to be the pick-up line for the johns looking for male prostitutes in the neighbourhood where I used to live. No, I do not have the time, nor do I have the patience.
4. Got any spare change? There is no such thing. That is an oxymoron. As opposed to you, a regular moron. I have all the sympathy in the world for the homeless, which is why I give to food banks and shelters, and not to random dudes that smell like gasoline, but don’t own a car.
5. Got a light? I quit smoking a little over a year ago. When I did smoke, I didn’t leave the house without a lighter. If it ran out or I lost it, I bought a new one. They are not that expensive, unlike cigarettes, which you can’t have either. Ask the guy who smells like gasoline though, that could be fun.
6. Don’t I know you? No, and you don’t want to.
7. Do you know where this is? What do I look like, a tour guide? If you need to find a place, look up the address in the phone book. Oh wait, they don’t have those any more. Well, I guess you could look it up on Apple Maps. On second thought, just go home and order in.
8. Do you want to buy this? Dude, if I want something, I will go to a store and buy it. I don’t need your pirated DVD’s or tube socks or whatever it is you’re selling. And I prefer to get my drugs from someone who has all their teeth.
9. Do you want fries with that? Look, if I wanted it something else, I would have mentioned it the first three times you screwed up my order. Does eating here on a regular basis cause memory loss? Is that why you keep asking if I want more? It’s bad enough I don’t have the time and money to eat at a real restaurant, do you have to assume I’m an absent-minded glutton, too.
10. Aren’t you the guy that writes that blog? Okay, I’ve never been asked that, but if I keep writing it, someday it will happen. No autographs, please.
What’s the stupidest question you’ve ever been asked? (Not counting that one?) Share it in a comment.
Also, I just realized this is a huge waste of time. Stupid people don’t read my blog.
(Some photos courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net and publicdomainpictures.net)
I hate being offered help in shops. If I didn’t ask for help, I don’t need help.
I forgot that one. That’s going on the list. 2b. Do you need help finding anything today? Yes, a store where an annoying sales clerk, who’s obviously on commission, doesn’t ask me that same question every two minutes. They’re like vultures.